M2A: Reading 2 Hampstead & Westminster 1

Safety of South Reading enables Reading to steal victory in dying minutes

Reading 2As versus Hampstead and Westminster 3s

Saturday October 7 2006

2-1 winners

For the first time I was able to walk to a hockey match (other than at Uni). For the astute amongst you that means the 2As were playing at South Reading Leisure Centre. Safe.

I had put word out to the Southside Kru that people in expensive cars would be visiting from the big smoke and that they would be occupied losing a hockey match for 70 minutes and so there was plenty of time for grand theft auto. Safe.

Last week the 2As narrowly missed out on a last gasp win at Surbiton, we scored with about 35 seconds left to go to make it 2-1. Then the bar stewards scored with about 7 seconds left to make it 2-2, but it was in all a fair reflection of the game.

The shape of the 2As squad has changed little since last season, Dunc has got a little hairier, Steeler a little greyer, Captain of Vice Rob Foster a little wider. We said goodbye to last year’s International Urban Youth Development Graduate David ‘someone special’ Harding, and to Eddy ‘Don’t you want me baby’ Davidson who have been pushed to the 2s, we wish them the best of luck. Bobby ‘sporadic stubble’ Brown has gone back to the cocaine capital of England; Hertfordshire and the best looking player Francis Dalton is in Paris for the year on student based activities. Huw Griffiths returns to action following his triple lung transplant, so joins the threes squad.

That left a few spots open for debate, and with over twenty new guys turn up for trials competition for places was going to be tough. Luckily some of the new guys were not that attractive, which made selection a damn site easier.

Chairman Jo Newman’s intimidation tactics and wholesale bribery meant I had to pick his son Chris Newman, luckily he is far better looking than his father and slightly taller than Bobby ‘Stand up’ Brown so he comes in on the right hand side of the field.

Academy Manager, Pat Land’s intimidation tactics and wholesale bribery meant I had to pick his son Alex Land, luckily he is far better looking than his father and slightly ganglier than Huw Griffiths so he comes in up front.

Director of the Board of my employer’s Jacobs UK Ltd, Jon Atkins’ intimidation tactics and wholesale bribery meant I had to pick his son Tim Atkins, luckily he is as good looking as Dave Harding so starts at right back.

Continuing the need to have a University of East Anglia old boy join the squad each year, Drew ‘good height’ Vermeulen comes into the 2As. Luckily his lack of height does not detract from his appearance so he comes in on the left.

Given the need for a token South African in each squad, Brian ‘it doesn’t matter if she’s 15’ Voges comes in to support the defence. Yah, for sure brew.

Finally, after much nudity and pubic hair shaving on Bandit’s tours Posh comes up from the Three’s to prove he is not just a tip and run player.

The new International Urban Youth Development placement went this year to Pete ‘Place your hands’ Roseff. We wish him well in his urban development.

Yours truly has had an interesting summer of highs and lows… I managed to get injured for about a month with three separate incidents, none of which I hasten to add were alcohol related, though one did involve Mani’s beer belly, and another whilst on international duty, which meant I could not get on the game line in time for the start of the post summer pre-season friendlies. 

Tyrell.

The game started briskly, H&W were all about 30 years old, tackled hard and moaned a lot. We survived a few early incidents and retained our cool. Passing was excellent, ball pace was excellent. Johnny’s early attempt to recreate his 60 yard aerial at Surbiton last week (yes it was massive) did not come off, nor did it the second time or the third time.

Luckily Chris Newman was not in aerialing mood either.

We put considerable pressure on H&W using the width well and again passing was top notch. A move down the right wing and a cross found Dunc ‘Bathroom tiler’ Brown at the back post, enabling him to slot the ball home and take a 1-0 lead. This augured well for the rest of the match. But unfortunately no sooner had we taken the lead then H&W replied, slotting a short corner in between Steeler and Dan ‘where did all this confidence come from’ Field. All was not lost. 1-1.

The half-time team talk was positive. H&W went to check on their expensive cars.

Panic.

For 15 minutes we were fire fighting. There were more turnovers than a Mr Kipling factory, we could not settle down, we looked half the side we were in the first half, which was very frustrating indeed, and the handbags came out a bit too much. Mind you they gave us the ball just as much. Especially that fat knacker, Soma Singh.

In a bizarre incident midway through the second half, H&W penetrated our D on the left. There forward then fell to the ground, the ball next to his face. He stopped the ball with his hand, thinking he had a short corner, his team member then took the ball away with his stick and proceeded to put the ball in the net. A goal was signalled by the umpire, when it was clearly a shorty. Negotiations, the likes of which have not been seen since North Korea decided to show the world the fission it knows about is on the sea wall at Pyong Yang, then ensued, and quite rightly H&W were awarded a shorty. Thank you to their forward for being honest, unlike their Number 16 (two wrongs don’t make a right).

They didn’t score the shorty. I think Jez arrived for the game about now.

So with about three minutes and 15 seconds left, we attacked down the right, after a good period of consolidated possession. Rick picked the ball up wide on the right hand side of the D, he undercut the ball top left, awesome, absolutely awesome. 2-1.

So with three mins left to play we shut up shop, we were not going to let them score like Surbiton had done the week before. And they didn’t. Safe.

We searched for the Tyrell inside ourselves that day and we found him, we found him and we held on to him.

Match Stats and Facts:

Match inspiration this week: Triangle girl.

Embarrassing parent of the week: Mummy Field

Guestimate on the expansion of Mani’s beer belly since the Europeans: 1.4 inches

Best kit steel of the week: Hertfordshire U18 squad shirt

Matt Armitage’s recommended brew of the week: Tennent’s Super

Number of Welsh Rhys has made join the club: 16

Weight Ratio of 2As captain to H&W captain: 1.45 to 1

Most likely to get in a violent street brawl this week: Alex ‘lose it’ Land

Most likely to go home single on Saturday night: Johnny ‘show me the way to go home’ Downer

Amount raised for Meningitis Trust at the weekend in Johnny’s UEA Old Boy reunion: £1,638.22

Number of pints of Snakey B Johnny consumed whilst helping to collect above donations: 16.75

Safe.