M2A: Tulse Hill & Dulwich 7 Reading 2

A bizarre event at Dulwich College

Reading 2As 2 : Tulse Hill and Dulwich 2s 7 (seven)

In ‘motoring news’ this week, Posh has acquired a very large black 3.0 litre, V8 BMW. Average fuel consumption for the journey into and out of London was approximately 23.4 mpg.

In further ‘motoring news’, Johnny’s driving skills were tested to the full on the journey to Tulse Hill. On leaving Bracknell heading to the M3, the slow lane filters in to the middle lane, Johnny who was in the slow lane (no change there) saw his opening and put his foot down, concurrently the car in the middle lane also put his foot down. With the additional (and I hasten to add substantial) weight of Rob ‘The Width Warrior’ Foster and Pete ‘double helpings’ Roseff the GTaaaaiii did not accelerate to the required speed and very soon the thoughts of No Claims Bonus passed rapidly through Johnny’s head. By the narrowest of margins and a slight jink of the kerb we squeezed through and ahead of the people mover in the middle lane. How this did not result in the two cars colliding I have still yet to determine. Johnny’s heart physically left his rib cage, and all was silent in the Ford Escort for two miles.

In ‘fabric related home furnishing injury news’ this week Johnny had express bought curtains for his spare room on Saturday morning. The urgency with which the curtains were put up left him with no skin on his left elbow and a large cardboard cut on his left thumb. Two plasters later he was dreading putting up the second pair on Sunday.

In ‘endurance tiling news’ this week, Duncan ‘DIY’ Brown has still yet to finish the bathroom tiling he commenced some three weeks ago. Sources suggest that a completion day of Xmas 08 is achievable.

In ‘holiday news’ this week Steeler was jetting off to sunnier climes for a couple of weeks. Sources close to Mr Steel indicated that the question might be popped imminently, and visa application forms for Jersey were received in the post a few days previously.

The team arrived at Tulse Hill with a sports casual ten minutes till push back, having not left the BP garage until 11.36am, after a leave time of 11.12am, allied to horrendous traffic getting up from the M25 into central London.

Aunty Barbara and Uncle Terry joined the team at Dulwich College’s rather sexy hybrid pitch, providing a good lot of moral support. Daddy Atkins also watched on.

Game time:

First minute, Pete ‘I’m not a midget’ Roseff, gets flattened for the first time.

Second minute, Pete ‘No, that is actually annoying now’ Roseff, gets flattened for the sixteenth time, and Kent County appointed umpire issues his fifteenth ‘final warning’ to the Tulse Hill players.

Third minute. Pete ‘I may be small, but I am mighty’ Roseff is told he “will get stabbed in the eye” (a more unusual threat from a hockey player) if he continues to get flattened.

Fourth minute. Pete ‘I can keep going all night long’ Roseff is squished again. Umpire issues another final warning.

…..forty fourth minute, final warning from umpire converted into a yellow card.

Then Posh got yellowed for deliberately knocking the ball away.

Then Tim ‘cynical’ Atkins was tackling his opponent down the right hand side, he jabbed, the ball came loose, the oppo guy won it, pushed it past Tim, so Tim with the deftest of right foot back heels, knocks the ball off, the whistle goes and so does Tim… to join Daddy Atkins on the sidelines.

Anyway, as the intro lines indicate we lost the game 7-2. This was a bizarre scoreline, that in no way reflected the game. A quick run down of the goals follows:

TH Goal One: Free hit outside the D for no reason, walloped in, bizarre rebound and their forward cleaned up.

TH Goal Two: Can’t remember it specifically, but it was bizarre.

TH Goal Three: Tim’ butter wouldn’t melt’ Akins passes back to Johnny ‘No I am clearly better looking than your captain’ Downer who is wrong footed by the fact that the ball was no near him, but it was ok as Dan ‘I’ve got this one covered’ Field came out to the 25 to clear up, and Paul Robinson-esque bizarrely missed, and there forward cleared up.

3-0 at half time.

2As Goal One: About ten seconds into the second half, Dunc turns on the spot top D with three elbows in his back and cracks a low shot hard left corner.

TH Goal four: short corner awarded for gratuitous use of the stick for defending, instead of using feet, a good goal actually, credit where credit is due, a low curving shot which went through Rob ‘hakka’ Foster’s legs.

2As Goal Two: Alex ‘bring it on’ Land nicks one at the back post after a little goal mouth scramble.

TH Goal Five: A bizarre breakaway goal, comedy of defending errors.

TH Goal Six: A quality Mantell-esque drag flick, absolutely roofed it, fair play.

TH Goal Seven: A bizarre breakaway goal, lame reverse stick effort found the back of the net.

So, there it is, 7-2, an absolute shoeing on paper. Despite the fact we had 75% of the possession, we were the better looking team, we were not playing rugby, we worked our socks off. We went off the pitch laughing at how bizarre a game it was, we went off the pitch laughing at how the oppo will have been thinking they had a good game, no.

Match Stats Facts:

The youngest ever 2As player yellow carded: Tim ‘baby faced assassin’ Atkins.

Shortest player: Drew ‘gay dance off’ Vermeulen

Most aggressive tackling: Brian ‘if there’s grass on the wicket’ Voges

Best Boy band haircut: Brian ‘barely legal’ Voges

Most embarrassing relatives in support: Aunty Barbara and Uncle Terry

2As Captain to Tulse Hill Captain weight ratio: 1.83: 1

County Appointed Umpires provided by: Kent.

2As top health tips – disseminating the beauty advice and recommendations you need:

Hair care - Dom ‘Business Development Manager of the Year’ Tallent says, try a two in one shampoo and conditioner to save time post game showering, therein creating more drinking time.

Shaving – Dunc ‘Bob the Builder’ Brown says, take a bath before you shave, always make sure your chest hair is as hot as possible to ease the glide of the blade.

Skin tone – Rachael ‘white teeth’ Marriott says, never trust a single application, you will need at least three.

Weightloss – Rob ‘width warrior’ Foster says, try not to buy that second Ginsters at the service station, one is actually enough.

Skincare – Dave ‘looking for love’ Harding says, Witch foaming face wash has transformed my life, once in the morning is all I need.

Hair arrangement – Dave ‘sic’ Beckett says, just go for that natural just woke up in the morning look, the ladies think its sic.

Waistline  - Mani ‘game line’ Kochaar says, the occasional beer is fine, as long as occasional is not every Thursday, Friday and Saturday in Revolutions.

Performance enhancement – Rohit ‘driveby’ Kapoor says, drink plenty of water before a match… mixed with a little something special from this batch I just got in from Romania.

Pecks and Biceps – Drew ‘jacked’ Vermeulen says, I like a good break dance off on a Saturday night, it keeps me trim.

Lunchbox – Posh says, its all about the briefs you wear, tighter means bigger.

This match report is available in braille and audio for anyone from Kent.