The Refillia saga continues. By Sam Kemp, with a little help from Jack Daniels. Saturday 16th November.
Hampstead and Westminster. A wretched hive of villainy and people walking round a running track for no real reason. In their evil headquarters, deep in space, a terrifying, evil conversation was taking place.
‘Now, Lord Spader, I trust you are aware of our… little problem?’
‘I have been acquainting myself with the specifics, but it seems that the breathtaking, astounding, sexy, hot, awesome and all round best hockey players in the whole goddamn galaxy, the crew of the SS Refillia, are due to play a match against us soon’
‘That is correct. And as you know, if we are to lose but one of these games, the entire empire will crumble around us, leave us totally exposed to the attacks of the Rebel Alliance and we will never finish our Death Star’
‘What have you done about them?’
‘Oh, in due course, in due course. I do, after all, run the pitches they’re playing at. Anyway, would you like a look at my Evil Device™?’
‘Ohhhh, that looks very evil. What does it do?’
‘Evil things. Those Refills won’t know what hit them. Muahahahahahahaha’
‘Excellent. Now, tell me what you have done to deal with the… situation.’
‘Tell me, Lord Spader, do you like getting out of bed?’
‘No, but I don’t see-’
‘Neither do they…’
Meanwhile, at Sexy Hockey Players HQ, on Earth…
Getting out of bed just before the cars were supposed to leave was the hottest members of the team, the goalkeeper.
‘Goddamn, I hate getting out of bed. Now I’m late. Oh well, needs must as I join my stupendous team mates on a glorious journey to London to bring the Dark Lord and his evil empire down to it’s evil knees. Superboots AWAY!!!’
He superbooted it to the SS Refillia just in time.
‘Bloody hell, Sam, I thought you were going to miss it.’
‘Yeah, we would have been totally lost without you’
‘You’re my hero, Sam’
And the glorious rebels made their heroic, but strangely uneventful way into the deepest depths of Imperial Space.
Having arrived at the evil pitch to play against the evil team, the heroic captain (Admiral Laverson, having returned from his trip) saw something evil on the horizon.
’Oh no! They have an Evil Device™. This will make us play to a level far below our full abilities’
‘Whatever shall we do?!?!’ cried the ever relevant, interesting (and hot) goalkeeper in confusion
‘We shall take the fight to them. I don’t care how many Stormtroopers we’re playing against, I don’t care how dirty they play, I don’t care how much the Evil Device™ affects our game. We will play with heart, we will play with soul, we will play with PASSION. We will play like we KNOW we can, .AND WE WILL WIN!!!
And upon the quoting of the Blessed Fashanu, there was much rejoicing.
The game began with the team starting strongly, deftly avoiding the evil laser beams shot from the sidelines by the evil substitutes, and playing with a passion and fire that left the Evil Device™ working in overdrive, trying to make the game a one sided annihilation. Sadly some of the wayward laser shots hit Jacksmuth Mundellica in the ankle and he could play no further part in the pitched battle for the empire, the galaxy and the heart of Princess Leia and that other one who was in Star Trek.
The epic fight soon took a sudden turn as the Evil Device™ temporarily possessed the totally impartial (and otherwise utterly utterly perfect in every single respect) umpires who gave a short corner. Which was parried away effortlessly by the solid wall of handsome defending the goal. And another. With the same result. Then, on the third attempt, the evil Stormtroopers hatched an evil plan to get the goal they so desperately needed to keep their vicious stranglehold on the empire that involved a bizarre flopping dive that meant the ball trickled into the goal in a mediocre, underhand and evil way that is totally unbefitting of a game against the stellar, amazing Refills.
The Evil Device™ had been turned up and the evil powers of the Stormtroopers were getting stronger.
From this point, the Evil Device™ took hold and the hereto immense and wonderful refills started to crack. However, they fought through the evil brought forth by the Evil Device ™ and kept the score at a valiant 1-0 for the rest of the game, despite the evil, nefarious attempts of the evil Stormtroopers known as ‘Wrecking Ball’ and ‘Captain Flop’, the evil, monstrous goalscoring evildoer to break the spirit within the stunning crew of the SS Refillia.
The Imperial victory was only a matter of time, and it proved to be so. The annihilation of the Empire will have to wait until February when the Battle To End All Battles commences once more as the Empire take the fight to the good, noble and good refills once more, this time, without the help of the Evil Device™.
It was a dark and stormy night, and the merchant ship HMS Refillia had just left port, bound for the London docks. There was business to be made and goods to be bought and sold. However, the Wayfaring ship, HMS Midtablemediocrity, full of the greatest terrors the high seas had ever known, had other plans.
‘RIGHT!’ shouted Beardy the Intimidator ‘THIS ENDS TODAY. FOR TOO LONG, THESE LANDLUBBERS HAVE TAKEN A ROUSING, HEROIC AND SPECTACULAR VICTORY AGAINST US FOR GRANTED. WELL, NO MORE. WE WILL CHALLENGE THEM, ON THEIR TERMS, AND WE SHALL CRUSH THOSE HANDSOME, DEVILISHLY COOL REFILLS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA’
‘B-b-but won’t challenging them on their terms mean that we’ll have to play pr-pr-proper hockey?’ an insignificant underling asked
‘NONSENSE, BOY. WE STILL HOLD THE POWER OVER THE DATE AND LOCATION. AND I KNOW JUST THE PLACE’ laughed Whiner, mercilessly. ‘THEY WON’T KNOW WHAT A SHIT PITCH IS UNTIL THEY’VE PLAYED HERE.’
Oblivious to the vile and devious plans being hatched against them, the crew of the good ship Refillia sailed on.
‘In-200-metres… Turn left. Then, you have reached your destination’ cried the navigator
‘Wait a minute’, swarthy, manly and incredibly sexually attractive rudder man Kempoli said. ‘Thats not taking us to the good pitches at all. We’re heading straight for the sandy beaches’
‘Nonsense. These maps were given to us by the Wayfarers association. There’s no way they could send us there’
‘It’s fine. Chill’
‘But the Wayfarers crew are PIRATES’
‘Then we must tackle them head on like the good and noble seamen that we are. ARE WE NOT GOOD AND NOBLE SEAMEN?!?!?!?’
‘YES!!!!!’ Came the resounding reply from all hands.
‘THEN WE MUST TAKE THEM DOWN LIKE THE DOGS THEY SURELY ARE’
And there was much rejoicing.
The pirate crew heard this rejoicing, and were greatly intimidated by the show of force and team power expressed by the magnificent, superhero-like crew of the HMS Refillia. They held a team meeting, and decided that the best course of action was to do nothing.
‘So… We meet at last, Captain…’
‘Acting Captain Denchimus. Captain Laverson is in America arranging new trade routes’ claimed the bold hero of the day, quietly ignoring the fact that the only trade route being established by the good captain was that between the bar and the swimming pool.
‘Ahh, I see. So you have brought a weakened force out against us today? Not expecting much of a challenge?’
‘Not at all. In fact, we have brought along the best rudderman in the entire world to face you’ retorted the brave captain
‘LET BATTLE COMMENCE!!!’ Screamed Judge Judith, the great umpire of the high seas as the captain of the pirate fleet turned white with fear because he is a lily livered wally.
Both sides fought gallantly in a pitched struggle, with HMS Refillia coming out on top more often than not. The gallant front gunners fired many cannon into the side of the wicked, evil pirate ship, only to be denied by the superb rudderman (but he was not nearly as good as the one aboard HMS Refillia) time after time after time. After nearly 70 minutes of vicious battling, the deadlock finally broke, through a wonderful cannon-tag-team between front gunners Lord Nicolas Bartonsworth and Sir Dannicus along the starboard side. Having blown a hole in the wall of the seemingly impenetrable hull, they set about boarding and wreaking havoc within the lower chambers of the ship. Finally, having recovered all that other merchant ships had lost and fully intending to give it back to them at some point in the future, Sir Dannicus of Reading fired his blunderbuss at the ammunition crate from the edge of the gap in the hull. An ammunition crate that the rudderman was frantically trying to protect and had done so spectacularly thus far in the battle. Alas, this was the final curtain, as the ship exploded into a thousand pieces upon destruction of the ammo crate.
Upon leaving the scene of the battle, having picked up any survivors, the noble and good crew of the HMS Refillia breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and went away with the knowledge that that should probably have been a lot easier.
By the amazing, fantastic, hot, awesome, cool Sam at 1.45 in the morning because he couldn’t sleep.
Also, we can’t thank Judith enough for volunteering to help umpire. The game wouldn’t have been possible without you. So… Thanks again.
27/10/13 Sonning Lane
The Refills came into this top of the table vs bottom of the table with confidence and a squad of 15 as Scott Wall was a little under the weather after catching a throat infection in France so it was decided he was practising his kissing too much!
The sun was out and the crowd was strong made up of some talented hockey players and some average, injured ones and also Laz. The game started with the sun in the Refills eyes which did not stop the them from having a good “old school Arsenal” passing routine. It switched through Barbour who was manning the central defence with the trusted partner Denchie. Ed Lowe was making some early runs up the wing mainly as he was on the side of the crowd so he wanted to woo them with his silky skills. Ed was helping Reza up the left hand side and again Reza was enjoying the encouragement of the crowd “If you feed Razor, he will score” yet to be decided. Rory Tuz was back from locating himself in the SW of the country and visibly enjoying his hockey sporting a countryfile style organic facial growth.
As the pressure grew, Kempie in the Refills goal had plenty of time to look at hot air balloons and whilst he was scratching his helmet, Ali H dribbled past a couple of the Chiswick defenders with ease, dropped the ball out to Nic Barton on the wing who drove the line, cracked a cross over which was easily dispatched by Ali turning that pressure into a score. The second goal came pretty quickly after another blast by Razor added to pressure on the left hand side of the oppositions D and the long corner saw a ball swung across the D and bang, Tino popped up out of nowhere to collect the ball with speed and skills no-one knew he possessed and then he slotted it past the ever tiring goal keeper. The pressure kept mounting and 5 mins before half time after a great run, the one man team wipe out machine got into the D and smashed a goal home – one for Toby HB. A reasonably relaxed half time talk from Lavers highlighted the good play but lets look for great play in the second half and not sit back on this. Some idle chat around other subjects then back onto it.
The refills pushed up and after all the short corners in the first half that were not converted the second half short corner saw a dark character jogging up form defence. Yes Dench had managed to persuade people that he can drag flic, Lavers and Barbour were not too sure on the validity of this claim but sure enough, the ball flew out, stopped and then Dench connected and kept it low to the side of the goal keeper and bang, 4 – 0 up. The crowd were baying for a double figure score but the opposition were still putting up a fight in defence where they were most the game.
The next goal after getting the defence involved came from Ed Lowe who had showed some flare form the back and was rewarded with a spell up front to bemuse the Chiswick defenders. He managed to break through (easily) and smashed the ball against the goal keeper which was saved but knocked the keeper to the floor so Lowe calmly took the ball back and lifted it over the goal keeper to the delight of the crowd 5 – 0.
The final goal soon came from the stick of Ali H which made him search for an illustrious hat trick in the dying minutes but this goal was a good controlled finish whilst the goal keeper went for a cup of tea in the dugout – his hat trick did not appear and the game finished 6 – 0 to keep the RHC Refills at the top of the table.
Kempie touched it twice in goal and although fed with ball, on this occasion Razor was the supplier of the final ball and not the goal machine we were waiting for.
Crowd attendance – 32 (at its peak) and 1 dog